One year

I feel as if I have been pregnant for a full year.

Not as though the Man-Cub has been gestating for a year

- but I got pregnant again so quickly after losing the twins

there was hardly any downtime between the 2 pregnancies.

Not that that's not what I wanted.

I wanted, I felt that I needed to be pregnant again so desperately.

Now its September again, the month I found out I was pregnant.

As of Wednesday, it will have been a full year since I got my first positive pregnancy test.

I don't even know why I tested then.

I wasn't even late. We weren't trying.

I just felt 'off'.

Then I spent the next several weeks shuffling between blissfully in love and full panic mode.

We were going to be parents.

And as we soon found out:

we were going to be parents of twins.

I can't even begin to describe how I felt.

At first everything seemed great!

Twins!!

Then for no reason whatsoever, I just knew something was wrong.

There were no tell-tale signs of loss - but I knew. And everyone reassured me that I was being hyper-sensitive.

But I was right.

They were gone.

On October 31st I had to walk into the hospital to undergo the most traumatic moment of my life.

I was having my babies removed.

My babies, and the hopes and dreams I had for them.

That morning I took a bath, I kissed my fingertips and pressed them to my belly.

I was as close as I could ever be to them at that moment - and shortly after that they were gone.

I remember waking up from the anesthesia crying "They're gone!"

I couldn't be soothed, and went into a full-on panic attack.

My babies were gone.

I don't even know what they did with them.

I can't remember most of the next few days,

except that my sister took care of my every need.

I felt as though I would never heal.

And in some ways, I haven't.

When I got pregnant again, I sat back and it was as if I had the thought "Now what?"

I couldn't relax,

I couldn't get attached,

I could only take one day at a time.

I celebrated every milestone.

And dreaded the thought of not reaching the following one.

I think the first time I breathed a little easier was when I finally reached the twins' due date.

I think I finally was able to accept that I would never hold them. And that THIS baby, was the baby I was going to be able to raise.

I don't really know where this post came from...

I intended to write about natural labor induction methods.